He Is What You Know

 

Man. My brother dressed up for 5K's and competitions and beer fests or just for fun. He was that guy. He was the life of the party. The guy who would get the dance floor started. The one who would create fun out of nothing but laughter and jokes and good-spirited people. He was da man.

This Halloween, as I lagged behind in getting Mia her costume, I came across his would-be costume for this year---he was going to be Gambit from XMen. (sigh). I found it unsealed amongst his previous costumes of a monkey, a pirate, a onesie, a 70's get up, Zorro...and I cried. Just cried. It's what I so often do. Don't even ask why my eyes are swollen. That's a given. So I thought of the best way to represent Charley by channeling his inner-most Mia.

Mia would be a mini Firefighter with a tutu. I hit the second hand store and pieced it together myself. Used hot glue, glitter, and the drive to get it right. To make Charley proud. She was the cutest Firefighter I've ever seen. And it warmed me to think Charley was walking with us while she collected candy and later crashed from a sugar high.

Just as people wear masks for Halloween and dress up as someone they aren't ordinarily dressed as, I couldn't help but think of all the crap people have speculated. YES, CARLOS IS ALL THE THINGS YOU BELIEVE HE IS! No, he wasn't depressed and keeping it from his family. No, he isn't someone who sold himself to be someone he isn't. No, he wasn't false advertisement.
He is positive, upbeat, happy, loving, respectful, giving, honest. So yes, it's shock. I can't go around policing his circles and protesting his life. Don't judge him by the way he died, remember him for the way he so joyfully lived his life. His death does not define him, damnit. His unconditional love does. So for all of you who experienced him in all his element, you are blessed and fortunate. 

Celebrate Him

Here comes the sun...doorooroorooooo...
Even in times of glory and strength, I play tug of war with everyone's supportive arms and my own pain. People tell me I write beautifully and to continue expressing myself so that you all gain some insight into the turmoil of loss and what I'm enduring. Am I being honest? Yes. Am I being completely transparent and candid? Heck no. Am I changing lives? I really hope so. People also tell me I'm so strong-which blows my feathered mind away because THIS is my weak face. I may smile here and there but not full-heartedly and I don't feel the temporary happiness you may catch a glimpse of. I am plain sad and spend so much time playing memories and moments and experiences in my head over and over and over again. He is real. He exists. He impacts hundreds of lives (I know so because the church was maxed out and people spilled out of it). He had a distinct laugh and walk. Even the way he stood with his hands in his pockets and his legs and feet slightly apart- he exuded confidence and authority. I keep seeing his smile and the mischievous look he so often displayed. I HEAR HIS LAUGHTER. I hear him call my name, "Yoooo. Yolie". He is proof that he was here. And I do go back and forth between past and present tense because my brother is still here. He is still a Firefighter Paramedic even though he technically isn't a Hermosa Beach employee anymore. He is still Mia's Nino and she still plays with him and they blow bubbles together in the backyard. He is still my conscience as I wonder about my life and his. I will eternally speak to him and ask him to guide me.
It occurred to me yesterday as we drove back home from the Suicide Prevention Awareness Walk that no one can understand the shock of losing A CARLOS. Not just Carlos, but his type of Carlos. Does that make sense? People lose a cousin, a co-worker, a neighbor, the elderly- which few of us have significant and meaningful relationships with. How many people can you count that you absolutely believe you cannot live without? Mine are less than one hand. And here's something else...I never understood the phrase "I can't live without you"...and I would think "Uhh, yeah you can. You move on and you live life". But now, now I completely understand. Because I cannot live without my brother. I don't know how. I don't know how to think, what direction to go in, what to do with myself, how to raise Mia, how to educate myself without him. Will I be in a better place someday? Sure. In the meantime though, I enjoy the company of others because when someone comes to distract me for a bit, you're actually filling a gap in my day. You may not be filling his presence, but it's presence nonetheless.
 

One Month In and Several Years to Go

My Dearest Charley,
One month ago this morning, you breathed life and love for the last time. You were here for 36 years and now you're freely flowing in a peaceful place I wish I could follow you to. I dreamt of you last night and you looked so sad sitting on the floor. I walked over to you and took your face in my hands and softly said, "I love you and need you. You're my inspiration and my everything. Please don't go anywhere. Stay with me". You didn't say anything but looked at me and your eyes said it all. I was broken for you. And I still am. Your loss is so profound and has created a vast ripple effect that extends to friends you went to paramedic school with 10 years ago and childhood friends from 30 years ago. Everyone wants to know why. Others have already accepted and moved on. And others still are uncomfortable with their feelings and don't know what to say to me. But one emotion is universal: you are deeply loved. I bet you never knew and are now thriving from everyone's prayers and thoughts.

 I've been raw with emotion and not caring that I'm expressing myself. After all, it's you who taught me how to properly grieve and process. I battle with time and frustration everyday. People don't know what to say so they suggest ignorant things like "It'll get better". Really? I lost my soulmate of 32 years and it'll get better? How am I doing? The ground has fallen out from under me. I see your name and it burns. I stare at your pictures all day and cannot comprehend that you're not alive and here.
It'll become BEARABLE over time. People want to provide words of encouragement but they don't know unless they've experienced a very similar loss. And since it's only been one month, that management will take years for me to get a handle around. I have our own family, a handful of my own supportive friends, and your loyal friends to help me live again.
Charley, I credit you with the very little strength I have and owe you the life you always wanted for me. I will see myself through. I will adventure the trips you wanted to take and the runs and competitions you wanted to achieve.
I'd ask you to come back, knock on my door and say,"SIKE!".....but we both know that can't be. Still, come back, please please please come back. I love you.
I will continue keeping you alive and throw you in everyone's faces. Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.

Crumb of Peace

It's almost been three weeks and it's as fresh as three minutes. Three weeks means that time has in fact passed and time didn't stop. I wish this were the case so that I could process my trauma and every detail surrounding it. The most ridiculous advice is "be strong"- as though I can rummage through all my pain and anguish to be a character of stealth and survival. Sometimes I'm a rag doll with a happy face and other times I'm just a doll with a low battery life and just enough energy to move about my day. There is no time frame for grief. It's not three weeks or a month or a year. Grief occurs several times a day. I yearn to hear my brothers laugh or smell his scent as he walks past me. I want to see his wide smile and feel his reliable high-five. It's an interesting dimension- death. You never know what it feels like to lose someone you love until it happens to you. Obviously. And not just a distant cousin or acquaintance or childhood friend. Someone you unconditionally love and cannot fathom your life without. Picture your rock, your person. Now picture your beating heart being yanked out, a chunk removed, and that same heart being placed back into the cavity where your lungs are already struggling to function and your nervous system has been shocked. There's a significant void that will never change. And the world turns, as much as I don't like it. To everyone else, poof, Charley is gone. He's been laid to rest and life is back in session. But to me and my family, life is different. So I'm going to struggle and stumble and move slowly until I gain this strength everyone speaks of. Allow me to be me, please...even if it's my brothers force holding me up.

 

The Highest Top I Know

It's not easy nor will it ever be. But I do have moments when I can exhale and it doesn't hurt as much. The last time I hiked Runyon was with my brother on a hot and Windex clear day like today. Air is hot and thick but the breeze is cool and still- much like my state of mind sitting and staring off hoping to see Charley come around the bend. Being with his buddies helps. I feel closer to him. Pretending I'm really him joking and shooting the shit. I'm as strong as I can and need to be. I'm exactly where I should be. No shield. No frontin'. Just reaching for any assurance and tangibility of my selfless brother, Charley.

First Day Back to Our Spot @ The Beach

My body is moving but my mind, heart and soul are stuck. Complete emotional lock down. A solemn cycle of the same emotions. Repeated. Fresh. And unable to shake it off. I absent-mindedly scroll through FB and IG and am stung with envy~ you're all living life as if nothing happened. Because nothing did. At least not to you. You're all functioning, which is something I'm not doing and don't know when I will. Everything seems abnormal to me because my brother is gone. Brushing my teeth, driving my car, holding Mia's hand...is all indescribably painful. Because I know Charley won't do these things, because I know I can't call him to tell him what I've done with my day, because Charley no longer lives in this life with me. It's as though I'm walking around without an arm or a leg. I've lost an extremely important limb. It was once there and now it's not. Phantom pains.
But you know what brings me comfort? That he's no longer in pain. He's in a happy place. He's left quite an impressive legacy and countless achievements we can all look to and aspire to be. My life has changed. And I truly look forward to the positive outcomes so that I can thank my brother for continually playing such a vital role in my life.

Take a look at this picture of me and Mia today at the beach. Look at the heart shaped cloud. HE is always with me.

Line of Fire Engines

Even A Hero Can Feel Helpless

Yes, there was a long line of fire engines as my family and I drove Charley through his home of Hermosa Beach for the last time. It was the hearst, our two family cars and a plethora of fire engines from a dozen or so fire stations: Hermosa, Manhattan, Redondo, Torrance, Vernon, Santa Monica, etc. I looked back at the love following my brother down Hermosa Ave. to his station. We got out of the cars while the hearst drove into the station. My four inch heels made a slow click clack into the station to watch my brother in his element for the last time. I made eye contact with every individual who stood against the wall. Another line. Remorseful eyes. Cloudy eyes. Hurting eyes.
Dispatch called my brother:
"Last alarm for Carlos Lopez. Last call for service for Carlos Lopez".

I heard the struggle of muffled cries behind me. I envisioned my brother coming downstairs, jumping into his boots, and swinging his turnouts on. He climbs into Rescue Engine 11 as the engine turns on and the sirens shout his name. Charley and the hearst follow. And my knees tremble.
I dragged my exhausted body and heart back into the car to follow my brother to the church where he had just been three weeks earlier. Attendance was massive. The church was filled past the vast double doors and people spilled out of it. Over 500 PEOPLE mourned my brother that day. All I could do was focus on Charley. I couldn't even see Mia. I couldn't even feel her in my arms. My family was in a zombie-like state. The honor guards presented my mom with a folded flag and my brother's badge in a shadow box. The chief walked it over and that's when my mom broke. That was the moment she felt it. Bagpipe player begins his solemn melody and we walk out and make our way to his final resting place.

 

I can't tell you what happened at the cemetery. I didn't see anyone, still. I do remember now, that I gracefully walked over to my brother's casket, knelt down and placed my head and arms around him and sang "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray...you'll never know Charley, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away...".

He told me once that as kids, he'd walk into our room and I'd be sitting singing that song to my dolls..and ultimately him. And ultimately him.

Standing Room Only

He looked just like him at the viewing. My brother, still and motionless. The same face that I would wake up with water to his face or by jumping on him. The same soul that looked asleep when I found him.
Dozens of friends and family and community members came to see him for a last time. Came to pay their respects to my family, came to revel in the love and admiration, came to speak amongst themselves, came to cry, and arrived only to say goodbye. "It's just his body, Yolie," my Dad encouraged. But it didn't matter to me. I held him and cried in anguish. Apologized for not saving him, apologized for failing, apologized for not preventing his loss, and loudly cried on his chest while I clung to his defined features and the soundless beating of his heart.
I can't tell you who was there and how many people appoached me and held me. I can't even tell you what was on my mind. All I could do was stay close to him and stare at my favorite person, my ultimate fan.

How could this happen? Why was HE placed so carefully and beautifully in a box unfitting for his personality. It was wrong. All wrong. The shock and mystified looks on everyones faces came lastly to my own. I built a couple collage boards featuring his smile and his life. Friends, family, Mia- Oh, Mia and their bond, whom he baptized only three weeks before. Their love and joy for one another is so plainly seen to anyone with a pair of soft eyes and precious heart. How could he leave HER? She asks for him all the time. "Nino, Nino!". First couple of weeks she was waking up in the middle of the night crying and pleading for him, and I, I would lull her back to sleep with my own rapid tears and soothing words, "Nino is asleep. Nino is so so tired".

I read his eulogy after the the slide show. I selected PM Dawn's "I'd Die Without You", which I had reserved for my own death and services, and shared it with my brother instead. The song was fitting. So philisophical and on point. "I'm under water and I'm drowning.....isn't it amazing how things completely turn around?" Firstly it's his feelings of desperation and unconditional love and in close second is our desire to take all that pain away from him just to be with him.

"I'd Die Without You" Lyrics

As I stood and walked to the podium, I felt the most immense weight on my heart and in my throat. I stood and looked around the room- over 200 pair of eyes patiently waiting for me to speak and take everyone's pain away. Fill their minds with my own words of comfort and forgiveness. My mouth went dry. I panicked. My heart rate sped up. I felt desperate. Someone tell me this isn't real- I am not standing here reading from a paper I quickly scribbled out 20 minutes before the mass begin.

My brother's drive and confidence stems from our childhood when our father passed away. Charley was a spunky kid and always had a mature air about him. Even as a young child, I looked up to him and wanted to be just like him: headstrong, tough, and blessed with the gift of comedy. I used to follow him around and he hated it. But at the end of the night while we were in our bunk beds, he'd give me the time I so profusely asked for. He'd sing songs to me, tell me jokes and we'd play wih his G.I. Joes. As we grew, so did his love for life. You all know: he always had a smile on his handsome face and would make every person he would meet feel special. He was the guy you can count on for anything. Ask, and he'd say yes. What time? No problem, Of course.

I'm heartbroken. I lost the the man in my life. The man who loved me and protected me as a child, kept a safe distance when I began to like boys and loved me more than ever as adults. He told me in his final weeks that I'd been his rock. And it surprised me because all along he had been mine.

I had always been his audience when he learned how to dance to impress the girls, came up with rhymes and flows when he fell into Hip Hop, made flash cards together for paramedic school exams, his ears to listen to every heartbreak, arms to hold him when he surrendered and the voice of reason to tell him I loved him. And I always told him. I never took him for granted.

He'd been my teacher. I soaked and absorbed his life moments and experiences as though they were my own. We were one. And now it's just me...joined by his spirit.

You all lost him. A son. A friend. A nephew. A cousin. A brother.

But you gotta respect him for the way he left us. Everything Charley did, he did with the utmost tenacity. He always did wht he wanted to do. He was a man of his word and when he gave it to you, he was sincere. When he told himself he'd do something , he would do it.

And so he made a choice- even if it wasn't HIM. He was content with all he'd achieved. And he gave up for the first time in his life, knowing very well we'd get through it. And he was brave. He was sooo brave for the decision he made. We can't speculate. We can only forgive. It's the biggest lesson he taught me. Forgive. Forgive yourselves for the guilt and forgive others and cleanse your soul. Get the most out of life and continue trying to be the best version of yourself. I know he always made me feel my best and instilled an inspiration to be better.

I hope he did the same for you.



CrossFit South Bay- Last Lopez Workout

There's something to be said when a family that isn't mine invited me into their athletic morning. I was excited to say the least. Imagining myself among his friends with whom he had dedicated so much time with. And I didn't know what to expect, except to work out with him in mind and not to quit. Being in his space was difficult. I cried between sets and looked out into the parking lot wishing his truck were there. As I pushed through the workout of the day designed in his name, I told him I was sweating for him. Burning calories for him. Keeping strong and steady for him. And as I went through the last set and threw the ball up high against the wall, I reached up for him and high-fived his spirit. He was with me the whole time.

Firefighter Challenge Relay Video

If you couldn't make it to my brother's relay competition yesterday...here it is. From beginning to end. ♥ See what I mean? He's there. You're there. The pride is felt.

Great Tribute for A Great Man