One Month In and Several Years to Go

My Dearest Charley,
One month ago this morning, you breathed life and love for the last time. You were here for 36 years and now you're freely flowing in a peaceful place I wish I could follow you to. I dreamt of you last night and you looked so sad sitting on the floor. I walked over to you and took your face in my hands and softly said, "I love you and need you. You're my inspiration and my everything. Please don't go anywhere. Stay with me". You didn't say anything but looked at me and your eyes said it all. I was broken for you. And I still am. Your loss is so profound and has created a vast ripple effect that extends to friends you went to paramedic school with 10 years ago and childhood friends from 30 years ago. Everyone wants to know why. Others have already accepted and moved on. And others still are uncomfortable with their feelings and don't know what to say to me. But one emotion is universal: you are deeply loved. I bet you never knew and are now thriving from everyone's prayers and thoughts.

 I've been raw with emotion and not caring that I'm expressing myself. After all, it's you who taught me how to properly grieve and process. I battle with time and frustration everyday. People don't know what to say so they suggest ignorant things like "It'll get better". Really? I lost my soulmate of 32 years and it'll get better? How am I doing? The ground has fallen out from under me. I see your name and it burns. I stare at your pictures all day and cannot comprehend that you're not alive and here.
It'll become BEARABLE over time. People want to provide words of encouragement but they don't know unless they've experienced a very similar loss. And since it's only been one month, that management will take years for me to get a handle around. I have our own family, a handful of my own supportive friends, and your loyal friends to help me live again.
Charley, I credit you with the very little strength I have and owe you the life you always wanted for me. I will see myself through. I will adventure the trips you wanted to take and the runs and competitions you wanted to achieve.
I'd ask you to come back, knock on my door and say,"SIKE!".....but we both know that can't be. Still, come back, please please please come back. I love you.
I will continue keeping you alive and throw you in everyone's faces. Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.