Your Pain Is Yours

Loss feels personal. When you're crying and confused and broken into bits, it feels like you're the only one who is experiencing such breathless tragedy. No one knows how you feel, no one can climb into your heart and soul and feel the strain of absence of and longing. No one has ever felt the way you do. And guess what? You're right. You're rightfully isolating and personalizing your pain as yours and yours only.
When someone tells you they're brokenhearted, you try to empathize as best you can with words of comfort, offer consolation for happier days and ensure the confidence they aren't feeling.
Everything is temporary, right? Everything is a phase? I believed that when I told my brother weeks before he took his last breathe, "Charley, remember, this too, shall pass". Stupid me. Stupid, stupid me for offering words I thought may resonate with his spirit and lift him out of his sadness if only for a moment. And maybe it did...for a moment. Or maybe he agreed with my sentiments because "it" did "pass". There was no way of knowing how all the words I embraced him with would quietly express duality.

I DO feel like my brother's unfair and untimely death affects only me. He and I are connected and bonded like no other duo I know. The majority of siblings aren't close or as tight as Charley and I are- I'm eternally grateful for our relationship. The majority of people aren't close or as in sync as Charley and I are- I recognize this blessing and treasure it now as I always have. But my selfish and solitary feelings doesn't mean that others aren't hurting on their own scale and carrying that sorrowful weight in a very real way. I hurt for their loss, too. I hurt for the companionship they no longer own in their lives- they own their friendship with Charley if they invested, made genuine efforts and managed it just as we take ownership of anything we may say, do, and act on. The laughter and smile they no longer rely on and the clownish jokes? Gone. The reliability of high-fives, "bro", costume get-ups, interest in their lives, social energy, etc, etc, etc? Gone. Of course they're hurting. Of course they miss him. Of course the closest to him feel some level of guilt.

Charley has two sisters, a mom, a dad and a niece. We are all hurting very differently. Can you even imagine what it's like for my Mom to have lost her son? To feel like a failure for not saving her child? No one knows. Not one person knows but maybe a parent can empathize. My Dad keeps busy with house projects by using his hands and constructing. He's in control. He's in control of the tasks Charley had in mind and the projects they are currently working on together. He's quiet but I see the loss in his eyes and the the way his smiles linger. His hugs are longer. My sister? She's shut down. She won't talk about him and doesn't come around much- but it doesn't mean she's not hurting. She lost her brother, too. She lost our only brother…a man who is a man of all sorts. The golden child. is. gone. And my daughter? His niece, his goddaughter and the little love of his life? She wakes up to a sweet thought and tells him good morning. During the day she calls for him, waves at him, tells him she misses him, has conversations with him and sees him. She sees him. Lucky girl.