I've spent almost seven months adoring my brother and openly being un-angry with him and his departure. I understand what he was enduring and it's not that I try not to be upset with him, I just am not upset. Others are-friends and colleagues and random people are because they can't make the connection between positive Carlos and in-pain Carlos. He was a private man who obviously wasn't going around tapping friends on the shoulder to say "Hey bro, I'm suicidal". He obviously tried to fight throwing in the towel. He obviously was no coward. And just because he didn't openly divulge his thoughts with my family, also doesn't mean he was deceitful.
This past weekend I encountered an experience that opened up a can of woes. Considering the power walker that I am, I pushed Mia in her buggy up a hill to the park two blocks away. A young woman was slowly walking just two steps ahead of us on the narrow sidewalk. In an effort to get around her I loudly said "excuse me" to which she ignored. I tried again, "We're coming up on your left". Nada. So I picked up our pace and walked around her. She kept on our heels and jumped around in front of us. Mind you, I'm about 50 feet way from our destination so I just let her be obnoxious at this point. She then slows down so that I have to go around her and calls me a bitch. I wasn't sure I heard correctly to which she repeated herself and threatened to spit in my face.
She evoked bullying emotions from high school that triggered confusion and a reflex to defend myself. I explained why I walked around her and to have respect for my daughter and to stop cursing and just leave us alone. She challenged, "I do have respect because if I didn't I'd beat your ass in front of your daughter". She continued to shout at me, followed me and my daughter into the park and threatened to call the police on me. Upon arriving at the sandbox, tears came pouring out and I could only sob. I was scared. And I was angry.
I encouraged myself to take deep breaths and control my anger for I could easily see that she wanted to hurt me, and I in turn, wanted her to try. With my daughter in mind and my friends as well, I went quiet and I froze. I didn't trust myself or my body and immediately prayed to my brother to help me contain what I so desperately wanted to do. Thankfully my friend swooped in with her cape and wand and put a lid on the craziness that had ensued. We left the park and ventured out to seek another. The rest of the day was a breeze until nightfall arrived.
Sitting in bed with silence hovering my mind and darkness hugging my soul, I wondered why I'd been feeling like I have something stuck in my heart that won't come up. Then it hit me-I'm angry, I'm so effen angry. Why? Why am I angry? Is it at Charley? No. Is it at the people who slander his character and his name? Not really. Is it his colleagues? Nope-I dropped those guys a while back. Is it because he "left me?" That's not it. Got it---I'm angry because I can't change what's happened.
No matter what I do, the number of new friends I make, the amount of his friends that I reach out to, caring for his home and staying active as he would…I can't undo what's been done. I can't control this. I can't bring him back as much as I've tried, he won't ever return to this life. No matter how many times I go over his last few weeks and "make it better" for him, nothing changes. I want to bring him back in a healthy form- two very wishful thinking unrealities. I'm so pissed that I don't have another option besides CAN'T and absolution. I can't negotiate. I can't barter. I can't say to someone, "Let me speak to your supervisor" in an attempt to negotiate resolution. I simply can't.
After I identified this left-field emotion, I realized then that I wanted to hurt that girl. I wanted to release all of my pent up feelings and lash out. I wanted her to touch me so that I could vent every single wound I have onto her. I wanted an outlet that provoked me. And then I prayed again and asked for forgiveness for my thoughts and harmful feelings. I asked God to forgive me for feeling that way and wanting to hurt her. I apologized to Charley for the mere thought of wanting to project onto an innocent person (even if she was threatening me).
I was inconsolable Saturday night as I uncontrollably cried over a life I can't control. I cried until I verbalized my thoughts and accepted this newness.
I continually and lovingly pry into his life outside of me in search of consistency and assurance that yup, my brother is the same person I know within his social life and with me. The only difference is I know the best parts of him and experience his soul like no one else does. He's selfishly all mine. But I'm still angry.
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