Unable to Process

"Take your time", that's what some say. I can't say that I disagree with the gentleness of that sentiment nor do I dispute it, but I am struggling with processing my brother's death, his loss, and him being "gone". I can't process it. My mind won't allow me to place him and his existence into a vast dimension that he is not here. I try to understand that I can't see him hold Mia's hand anymore or place her into his arms and love her with the strength of his heart and the arms of his might.

This past weekend I watched my dad hold Mia's hand as she lead him into one of her imaginative worlds of jumps and thrill. You know what I desperately, instantly did? I didn't even appreciate what I was looking at and instead replaced my dad's image with that of my brother's. And I could see Charley smiling down at her with a cap on, board shorts and short sleeved shirt. I could see his profile and the look of intense adoration upon his face. The moment lingered like the gaze of a crush within reach…then my vision blurred, I wiped the wish from my eyes and my dad appeared once again. Reality reminds me alllllll day of what I no longer have. I cry most every day in despair and frustration that I can't make my brother return. I plead with the still and quiet air, "I'm trying to process and I can't. I can't. I can't. Charley, I can't. You're not gone. No, you're not. No, no, no, no, no. You're still here". 

It's been 4+ months and when I think of how draining it is to move through the day, I simply cannot grasp how I must do this for the rest of my life. At the end of each day I knead my fingers into my neck and tap my heart with a heavy hand, "You made it. You made it through another day". For me, that is success. I live, even if I don't live. I push, even if my legs are weary and my spirit thrashes.
I cannot shake the pain of being orphaned by a man who loves me like no other loves me. I will not tuck my emotions away to focus on what I have versus what I don't- because who I no longer have is a large fraction of my life and my being. Most every memory I have embedded into my mind involves him. Music is no longer my friend, for it serves as a brutal reminder of all the memories with my brother that are now just memories. I can't sing along to any music between the 80's and 90's, because they either involve Charley dancing, dancing with me, flowing, break dancing, underground shows, all-ages clubs, rides in the back of his many shitty cars, proudly listening to him sing along while watching his facial expressions, living together, caring for each other, bbq's, my 30th bday party, his support, love, embrace, his life.

I'm orphaned by my brother. The solid, solitary lifeline to my father whom is now the fortunate and blessed one present with Charley and his soul. I'm envious. I'm jealous-I want to be with Charley. I have a sister and two parents, but as I'm sure they know, Charley was my number one. He IS my number one. And no matter how much I'm encouraged and almost pleaded to think of myself, I won't. Not until I'm ready. Not until I feel him embrace me with his cool breeze and whisper into me, "Yolie, you're okay. I will make sure of it. ". This, and only this, will help me move.