A FOUR-Chambered Heart

My Most Radiant Charley,

I cried myself to sleep last night on the bathroom floor.  Closed my eyes for my heart to rest while my eyes snoozed and burned in a desperate attempt that I would re-open them and you would be here. Sometimes I fold myself into my mind and hold my breath and hope that after all the struggle and denial and the shaking of my head, that I will open my eyes and life is still life with you in it. But it never is. It's just me, still, without you and your presence.

In four months I have not only developed fears and phobias and paranoia that only I can understand, but you have also shared a handful of your friends with me. I met all of them when you were alive, was told stories and experiences that you had with them, and now I'm present in their minds as though we are reciprocating the wish to fulfill your void. I asked one of them, who loves you deeply and calls you his brother, if he considers me his friend.
"What else would you be if not my friend?"
"Charley's sister"
He examined his thoughts, I suppose, and replied, "No, you are my friend".


And I suppose I think that your friends are collectively overseeing me, checking in on me, taking care of me, spending time with me….out of pure love for you. Because who else is going to perform your life for me if not them? If I'm wrong and they don't pity me, then I can only hope for a fraction of the friendship you were fortunate to have with one another.
Of course, I don't do pub crawls or dress up or run 5K's in costume, but I do cycle, rock climb, hike, run, cook YUMM BUCKET meals, laugh and smile as much as my soul feels (which isn't much right now). I'm trying, bro…I really am. No one can understand how I feel, how Yolie specifically feels and everyone wants me to feel "a little better" or feel that your loss "is a little easier" but it raw fully isn't. And I'm more than okay with feeling pain and sadness and the agony of your death, because it's not all those things that make me want to not live life. In fact, it's the agony of the rest of my life without you. Life unfortunately goes on. I have to go to Sprouts and walk the aisles you once walked to buy food for the week, I have to exercise and read, I have to get up in the morning, I have to deal with life and go through that emotions of it until I'm ready to live it.
One of my friends text me yesterday with, "It's such a blessing that people are still supporting you". She's right. When most of the 500+ people are long gone, a handful are still embracing me. I struggle with that notion because I hope it's not obligation or pity. God, I hope it's not. And the people who are no longer around, they never really were .
I received a loud text from a cousin whom we are both disappointed in. He reached out to me with a text that was both obnoxious and long overdue. Four months later and he wants to know "How's everything, cuzzo!!???". Really. And you know me, Charley. I am blunt and will tell you how I feel. I do not lie or stretch the truth to create comfort. So I communicated some sarcasm and subtle "eff off" sentiment. And that was that (shrugging shoulders).

Out of all the reunions I have encountered since your passing, there is one that occurred yesterday that brought me relief I didn't know my essence needed. The love of your life came over. It's so hurtful that she only found out you passed away a month ago. She is the only person I had to tell you are gone and it pained me to deliver the awful news that she can no longer count on bumping into you one far-fetched day while you two are with your families and over-the-moon with life. Had to tell her what happened and listen to her grief and shock and comfort this woman whose love you carried with you always. And then she so sweetly wrapped her words with ease when she said, "Carlos would never do this. It wasn't him. He would never do this to you". I exhaled. Finally…finally another person who knows you well is in disagreement with your suicide.
Thank you, Charley. Thank you for inspiring me and her and all your friends to continue rallying your life and all that you are.

I love you. I love you. I love you.