I'm so lonely for you. My eyes slowly scout every detail in every picture I take hoping that I catch a glimmer of you in the background, as a blur, as a shadow as a light. I zoom in and search for a face that I miss and only see in my memory bank of delight. Even as I walk through the house at night to shut off all the lights and close the blinds, I look to my reflection in the mirror or my own shadow just praying that I see you right beside me. But what do you look like? Will you appear to me in your human form so that I may recognize you? May I hear the sound of your voice calling my name? Might your energy be so abundantly clear that I see you in your spirit form illuminated by heavens and love? Have you been present, reached for me, spoken to me and yet I have no idea? Questions, questions, and no answers.
My therapist tells me that I'm mourning, still. STILL. Of course I am. Your passing is fresh and I gladly participate in freely feeling. So what if I'm consumed by you, our memories together and your life. Another therapist has cautioned me not to idolize you so, that I want to be you and lose sight of myself- not to identify mysef with the consequences of your loss. Truth is- I've always idolized you...I've always looked up to you in hopes that I would be you someday. Like a child with her hero, I wear your name embroidered into my cape. It flows with brisk attitude and encapsulates strength, devotion, courage and unconditional love. My right arm raises high in praise of all that you do-the good in you and the human in you. With your imperfect flaws and no-nonsense atttitude, you never do any wrong for my hero is forgiven for being himself. I, as an avid admirer, strive to measure up to a man I'll never be. And I've always been comfortable knowing that I'll never be you but have been beyond happy navigating life immediately at your side.
I miss you deeply, Charley. It's a longing that I can't comprehend. Time doesn't help to heal my pain- it only reminds me that you're gone. Time darkens my pain and settles further into a reality without you. I'm comfortable with pain. But I'm also frail and vulnerable. It's as though every emotion I can possibly feel is hitting me at once and I'm either being smacked in the gut with it or dodging every other launch because I'm afraid that I can't manage anymore than I am. I'm afraid of what rock bottom looks like for me. Thing is...I'm there. My emotions affect my mental balance which affect my physical strength. I'm tired all the time, Charley. And not just tired because life effen sucks or from working or from being a Mom. It's all of me combined into all of you. You survived for six weeks and one night you couldn't see or feel straight. I'm experiencing a fraction for eight months now and I honestly question myself, Am I going to feel this way for the rest of my life? Not that loving and missing and mourning you is negative, but how will I manage my sorrow? I suppose you felt this multiplied by an unknown force so I tell myself to quit thinking and just feel.
A friend asked me a pretty honest question yesterday, "Has anything good come from losing your brother?" I yanked all my feelings from all the hazy clouds hovering over my heart and tried to make sense of it all so that he could stumble through my grey. After verbally chicken scratching my thoughts, he instead said to me, "Say exactly what you feel".
(Quick deep breath) I want to continue living his life as though he were alive. I want to live his life for him so that nothing changes and I still have him. That's the honest truth. And the added truth is that all of you is mostly all of me. Your character, your jubilant smile, your athleticism, your drive, your ambition, your physical nature, your travel goals, your inspiration...that's me too on a smaller scale. So why not? Then he peacefully offered, "You lost your brother and your best friend and your life is forever changed". Simple words created complex thoughts and provoked hot tears. I felt like he shoved a slab of concrete into my hands and asked me not to drop it. "Too much?", he offered. Yes, too much.
Living a life without you is too much. We've been synced for 32.5 years...and synced for the rest of my years without you is how it will remain.
Love you, adore you, want to be you,
Your Sis, Yolie
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