He Is What You Know

 

Man. My brother dressed up for 5K's and competitions and beer fests or just for fun. He was that guy. He was the life of the party. The guy who would get the dance floor started. The one who would create fun out of nothing but laughter and jokes and good-spirited people. He was da man.

This Halloween, as I lagged behind in getting Mia her costume, I came across his would-be costume for this year---he was going to be Gambit from XMen. (sigh). I found it unsealed amongst his previous costumes of a monkey, a pirate, a onesie, a 70's get up, Zorro...and I cried. Just cried. It's what I so often do. Don't even ask why my eyes are swollen. That's a given. So I thought of the best way to represent Charley by channeling his inner-most Mia.

Mia would be a mini Firefighter with a tutu. I hit the second hand store and pieced it together myself. Used hot glue, glitter, and the drive to get it right. To make Charley proud. She was the cutest Firefighter I've ever seen. And it warmed me to think Charley was walking with us while she collected candy and later crashed from a sugar high.

Just as people wear masks for Halloween and dress up as someone they aren't ordinarily dressed as, I couldn't help but think of all the crap people have speculated. YES, CARLOS IS ALL THE THINGS YOU BELIEVE HE IS! No, he wasn't depressed and keeping it from his family. No, he isn't someone who sold himself to be someone he isn't. No, he wasn't false advertisement.
He is positive, upbeat, happy, loving, respectful, giving, honest. So yes, it's shock. I can't go around policing his circles and protesting his life. Don't judge him by the way he died, remember him for the way he so joyfully lived his life. His death does not define him, damnit. His unconditional love does. So for all of you who experienced him in all his element, you are blessed and fortunate. 

Celebrate Him

Here comes the sun...doorooroorooooo...
Even in times of glory and strength, I play tug of war with everyone's supportive arms and my own pain. People tell me I write beautifully and to continue expressing myself so that you all gain some insight into the turmoil of loss and what I'm enduring. Am I being honest? Yes. Am I being completely transparent and candid? Heck no. Am I changing lives? I really hope so. People also tell me I'm so strong-which blows my feathered mind away because THIS is my weak face. I may smile here and there but not full-heartedly and I don't feel the temporary happiness you may catch a glimpse of. I am plain sad and spend so much time playing memories and moments and experiences in my head over and over and over again. He is real. He exists. He impacts hundreds of lives (I know so because the church was maxed out and people spilled out of it). He had a distinct laugh and walk. Even the way he stood with his hands in his pockets and his legs and feet slightly apart- he exuded confidence and authority. I keep seeing his smile and the mischievous look he so often displayed. I HEAR HIS LAUGHTER. I hear him call my name, "Yoooo. Yolie". He is proof that he was here. And I do go back and forth between past and present tense because my brother is still here. He is still a Firefighter Paramedic even though he technically isn't a Hermosa Beach employee anymore. He is still Mia's Nino and she still plays with him and they blow bubbles together in the backyard. He is still my conscience as I wonder about my life and his. I will eternally speak to him and ask him to guide me.
It occurred to me yesterday as we drove back home from the Suicide Prevention Awareness Walk that no one can understand the shock of losing A CARLOS. Not just Carlos, but his type of Carlos. Does that make sense? People lose a cousin, a co-worker, a neighbor, the elderly- which few of us have significant and meaningful relationships with. How many people can you count that you absolutely believe you cannot live without? Mine are less than one hand. And here's something else...I never understood the phrase "I can't live without you"...and I would think "Uhh, yeah you can. You move on and you live life". But now, now I completely understand. Because I cannot live without my brother. I don't know how. I don't know how to think, what direction to go in, what to do with myself, how to raise Mia, how to educate myself without him. Will I be in a better place someday? Sure. In the meantime though, I enjoy the company of others because when someone comes to distract me for a bit, you're actually filling a gap in my day. You may not be filling his presence, but it's presence nonetheless.
 

One Month In and Several Years to Go

My Dearest Charley,
One month ago this morning, you breathed life and love for the last time. You were here for 36 years and now you're freely flowing in a peaceful place I wish I could follow you to. I dreamt of you last night and you looked so sad sitting on the floor. I walked over to you and took your face in my hands and softly said, "I love you and need you. You're my inspiration and my everything. Please don't go anywhere. Stay with me". You didn't say anything but looked at me and your eyes said it all. I was broken for you. And I still am. Your loss is so profound and has created a vast ripple effect that extends to friends you went to paramedic school with 10 years ago and childhood friends from 30 years ago. Everyone wants to know why. Others have already accepted and moved on. And others still are uncomfortable with their feelings and don't know what to say to me. But one emotion is universal: you are deeply loved. I bet you never knew and are now thriving from everyone's prayers and thoughts.

 I've been raw with emotion and not caring that I'm expressing myself. After all, it's you who taught me how to properly grieve and process. I battle with time and frustration everyday. People don't know what to say so they suggest ignorant things like "It'll get better". Really? I lost my soulmate of 32 years and it'll get better? How am I doing? The ground has fallen out from under me. I see your name and it burns. I stare at your pictures all day and cannot comprehend that you're not alive and here.
It'll become BEARABLE over time. People want to provide words of encouragement but they don't know unless they've experienced a very similar loss. And since it's only been one month, that management will take years for me to get a handle around. I have our own family, a handful of my own supportive friends, and your loyal friends to help me live again.
Charley, I credit you with the very little strength I have and owe you the life you always wanted for me. I will see myself through. I will adventure the trips you wanted to take and the runs and competitions you wanted to achieve.
I'd ask you to come back, knock on my door and say,"SIKE!".....but we both know that can't be. Still, come back, please please please come back. I love you.
I will continue keeping you alive and throw you in everyone's faces. Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.

Crumb of Peace

It's almost been three weeks and it's as fresh as three minutes. Three weeks means that time has in fact passed and time didn't stop. I wish this were the case so that I could process my trauma and every detail surrounding it. The most ridiculous advice is "be strong"- as though I can rummage through all my pain and anguish to be a character of stealth and survival. Sometimes I'm a rag doll with a happy face and other times I'm just a doll with a low battery life and just enough energy to move about my day. There is no time frame for grief. It's not three weeks or a month or a year. Grief occurs several times a day. I yearn to hear my brothers laugh or smell his scent as he walks past me. I want to see his wide smile and feel his reliable high-five. It's an interesting dimension- death. You never know what it feels like to lose someone you love until it happens to you. Obviously. And not just a distant cousin or acquaintance or childhood friend. Someone you unconditionally love and cannot fathom your life without. Picture your rock, your person. Now picture your beating heart being yanked out, a chunk removed, and that same heart being placed back into the cavity where your lungs are already struggling to function and your nervous system has been shocked. There's a significant void that will never change. And the world turns, as much as I don't like it. To everyone else, poof, Charley is gone. He's been laid to rest and life is back in session. But to me and my family, life is different. So I'm going to struggle and stumble and move slowly until I gain this strength everyone speaks of. Allow me to be me, please...even if it's my brothers force holding me up.