Going Against the Grain

Charley, my heart...

How did we get here? Here. And here to six months so damn quickly? I hear myself ask for you in the clouds of my mind and as I whisper your name all day long. Sometimes I run my voice against your name to ingrain my longing into a reality I won't accept, Charley I miss you. I miss you, I miss you, I  miss you, Charley, Charley, I miss you, as if sending your name into energies of our universe will think you back to life. I'm reading books on the Afterlife in an effort to find a truth, a real truth, or at least a truth that makes sense to me. Are you a beam of light or an energy that exists within us but on a different dimension? Does your soul vibrate on a frequency I clearly can't access? I say that I understand why you left us but what makes more sense to me is why you left you. Why you wanted to escape yourself. If only we were assured by God or some force of immense life that the way you saw yourself that dark night, the emotions you flooded yourself with, were all things psychological that were so convincing you would feel THAT way for the rest of your life. And to be reassured that you would feel that way for always, then I could say I wouldn't want that for you. No, not for you, even if that means that the only way to end your pain is to leave yourself. But then again...I could've saved you. I know I could've- I am your little big sister, Charley.

Yesterday I ran a St. Patty's Day 5K with you in mind. I organized a run with our closest friends and family and planned it with nothing but the yearning in my heart to continue seeding the beauty you would've lived. Whether that means "celebrating" you with a word I'm not quite comfortable with or extending my love for you into others who are willing to share in your memory, than I do it. I do what feels good in my being and uplifts your spirit in hopes that you will feel our love and the emotions that surround our efforts for you.

Do you feel us? Does your now-existence thrive from our outpour of love and hope for you? Because you know we have faith that when you left, you also left behind the physical pain that caused you fright, despair and self-infliction. I pray that in one swift motion, all the pain you didn't deserve was shed from your soul and left for us to dissect and honor. And I believe, against what the majority of our culture has been ingrained to believe, that you-your soul- didn't instantly feel peace because you had a traumatic exit that required soothing and nurturing counseling. Maybe your transition was a slow one that involved embraces, a love you've never felt and a soft explanation of what your soul endured. Maybe you're still feeling the effects of the loss you left behind- because bro, I know you would've never taken your life if you had thoroughly thought about how devastated we would be. Of course you weren't thinking about us when all you could think about your own pain. And that's okay. But again, had I crossed your mind and had Mia's tiny voice and tiny hand held yours, you would've stopped- whether you would've tried again some other day or not is beyond us. But you would've made it through another torturous night. See, torturous, No more torture.

When everyone left our home after a very loving and fulfilling day for you, I cried. I reluctantly admit to you that you're never returning. No matter how many imaginary conversations I have with you, no matter how much I change for you, you're never coming back. Oh, how I cried all night refusing to believe that six months is today. That I haven't seen your sensational face in six months. That I'm sleeping in your bed because you're gone. It was a very long, dark night and I didn't want morning to come. The only sound was Mia's light snoring and a sliver of light that teased my thoughts from just outside your bedroom windows. Life sucks. It really sucks. And it also offers itself to do everything that feels right. So today, then and always, I will live right by you...whatever that means to me.

Love your sis,
Yolie