Letter To Myself

Dear You,

I know that life is heavy and drags your heart with every activity you do. Even if it's taking out the trash, I imagine you're also trying to rid a bit of your grief and bad memories. A lot of people have encouraged you to replace the bad memories with good memories, but every time you do that, I see that you cry because there will be no more good memories and you won't have new ones anymore. I know that you long for Charley and don't believe he's dead…but he is. And no matter how much you wish and wish he return, Yolie, he won't. That is a wish that will never come true. You can plead with his spirit, and beg him while you tug at your clothes and grit your teeth, but he isn't coming back. All that you have is your memories and his laughter and his brilliant smile. And think about it! You have 32 glorious years with him and millions of memories. If it helps, write them down as they cross your mind and as you remember them. C'mon, you write well, and I'm sure you can write them out as though they just occurred today. Your brother is a sensational, beautiful soul with such energy that he lives within you and your heart. Carry his heart with you as you continue to nurture your own. Carry his smile with you as you rally your own face to smile and soak all that your new life has to offer. Carry his positivity and outlook on the good in people and all outdoor activities. Fight yourself to get out of the house and into life. You are capable of living again, Yolie. And most importantly, Charley is with you at all times; in the gut of your soul and the limbs of your being.

There is no rush for you to accept. Hell, you don't ever have to accept. You don't have to be "okay" with his death and the loss of his life. You don't ever have to tell yourself that someday you'll say, "I'm okay with him being gone". Don't fall into every one's advice. Remind yourself that it's YOUR pain and your loss and your tears. You process how you feel comfortably doing so. Remember pulling out the weeds between the cracks of the driveway in the backyard? You did that because you've seen Charley do that. Or scrubbing between the tiles on the kitchen counter top because those agitating little ants that Charley hates will army out? You do things without even thinking you're the one who is doing them. Someday you will begin to do things for yourself first and for him second. I'm here to tell you that you can do whatever you like. If it brings you comfort to put him first, do it. But I also caution you not to get too lost within his life. You have a husband who shouldn't be compared to your brother. And family who want you to do things for you. And friends who want to see you be you again…even if it'll take a while for a piece of you to surface again.
People think that you don't want to be joyful or happy or enjoy or have fun because you'll feel guilty. This isn't true. Guilt has nothing to do with it. You are simply so sad that you lack the "umph" chip. And I understand you're socially awkward now and uncomfortable in large groups. That's okay…select the gatherings or events you want to go to and know you don't have to stay very long. It's perfectly okay that you turn down invitations. Don't worry that you will never receive another invite. Take your time to take care of yourself. Eat well, don't over-indulge, that will only make you feel worse when your pants and blouses tug at excess fat. Sleep soundly, don't stay awake every night racing thoughts through your mind. You'll be more than exhausted the following day and you still have work to get through and Mia and Alex to live the evening with. Exercise, Yolie. Running, biking, interval training is your thing. It was Charley's, too- he was your motivation. Start slowly and work your way up again. That UFC gym membership needs to get utilized-it's expensive!  Pump weight with your brother in mind. Run in the shoes you exchanged. Tack on miles to his 100 miles that he ran within weeks. And continue going to therapy…and cry if ya want while you're there…shake off the numbing phase and cry. Who cares that your eyes are swollen. This is your new life…you'll get there.

I'm always just a voice away. Love you.