Do you know anyone whom when you ask how they're doing, they're "great" ALL the time?
This is where I am currently in managing the loss of my brother: I'm okay most days but I caution myself (and others) that I'm not permanently okay. Some honestly think, "Phew. she's OKAY", in which I see the expression on their faces elated with relief and happy for me. This is not the case. Charley just passed away. Charley just called me last night. I just saw Charley this morning. I smell his beautiful scent, still.
I'm expected to have bad days. In fact, I allow myself to have bad days just as I did a couple days agowhen I made a significant move in my personal life which rattled my spirit and yearned for my big brother to soothingly speak to me and hold me tightly. Instead, I washed his truck and for the first time since he passed, I slowly explored the insides of his car. Receipts, random papers, a first aid kit, photos, old school Hip Hop CD's littered the pockets of his car. But the most difficult and sentimental find was in his glove compartment where birthday cards I'd given him lay neatly and quietly. I opened each one with a delicate touch and sobbed until my vision blurred and my entire insides ached. Lifeless like a doll on a shelf, my thoughts scoured my memory for stability in the reality that is now mine. Holding the loving words I'd written to him, I felt defeated. It was clear to me that no matter how much I love him, support him, live for us, I couldn't prevent him from taking his life. In this card alone, I expressed my unconditional love, the joy of growing together and growing old together. I counted on growing old together. I counted on having my best friend my whole life. We're both healthy, we both take care of ourselves, we're both driven. NEVER would've thought that mental health would take one of us, and almost both of us. I sat and cried over all the birthdays we wouldn't have together anymore. No more cards from him expressing his love for me. No more smiles over the glow of dozens of candles. No more.
I spent the rest of the day crying uncontrollably as I balled up his dirty workout clothes from his truck and held them to my face and chest in an effort to hold him. I. could. not. stop. crying. I watered the front yard and my neighbor walked up and opened his arms to me. I dove in and exhaled all the pain I could in that moment. I miss him so much. He rubbed my back and encouraged me to cry. I so obviously needed to be embraced.
We have triggers which evoke happy thoughts and happy feelings and we have bad, bad, hurtful feelings. Truth is, we don't need to lose someone to have triggers, but most often triggers are a consequence of loss- many types of loss. And I've always encouraged such relief and dispel of emotion. It doesn't matter if it's been months or even years because grief never goes away nor does the pain of loss. My brother and I shared 32 years together- it's the longest, most consistent, incredibly loving relationship I've ever had. No one will trump him or us, but I have faith in love. Love lasts.
No comments:
Post a Comment