Life Isn't A Rat Race

We wake up and move pretty quickly with our mental to-do lists and our feet hitting the cold floor. Our moves are in-motion as is our hearts as they keep us alive for further life and encouragement. And we spend so much of our time with a desire to be better, get better, live longer, live better.
I've slowed down dramatically while keeping my thoughts hungry and open. My mind feels weightless sometimes, especially when I block myself of all things hurt and make my way to my cove of self. Could it be selfish that I've made a decision to put my mind and heart before that of my daughter's? Sure. My Dad has gotten on my case for not acting more aware, although I can argue that I've never been more awake as I am now. I'm aware that the behavior I exemplify and the actions I gesture both in front of and away from her make me a more influential mother for her childhood experiences. She is first. Her life is first although my mind crosses finish before she does. I'm lunges ahead of her so that I am strong enough to have adult conversations about my grief and why her Nino is dead. Dead. A term she doesn't yet fully understand though she asked me just yesterday as we placed fresh flowers on his grave site,
"Why are we giving Nino flowers?".
Hmmmm. What to say, what to say. The truth. 
"We bring Nino flowers because we honor him with the beauty of life. We miss him, we love him, and when you care about someone, you extend a gesture to communicate so. It's like when Mommy gives you tight hugs for no reason. I squeeze you with all my love so that you feel it. We squeeze Nino with flowers sometimes".
No "why?" followed but she understood, I think. I hope.

This is an example of slowing down to ensure that what I'm speaking into this life is true and intentional. So that someday everything I extend, both verbally and physically, is almost effortless, second nature.
I'm thriving on a conscious level I've never experienced, and existing so in ways I can't fully comprehend just yet. I'm cognizant of other people's circumstances and realities, providing reactions and replies that only feed our spirits. This doesn't mean I'm walking on eggshells or treading water all the time, instead it means that while I naturally get angry or hurt or wish to express myself, I'm doing it with firm tenderness and honesty; honesty in my intentions with the present in mind and not the far-fetched future. Hey, I'm no preacher and full of myself, but I can say that losing my brother is teaching me to be my best everyday without trying to please everyone. I MUST try not rescue myself so much and maybe, just maybe, I can inspire myself via my own mouthful of words and wisdom. Hopefully, and I pray to the Lord for such, that my life will happen, and when it does as slowly as it does, I'll have the courage to walk out of the doors thrown open for me.