Fourth of July was celebrated last Friday with Americans gloriously exhibiting their liberties and pride by display of colorful night fireworks, barbeques, beach time, flags and a day off from work. And while I sat in a new yoga class on the very same morning, I experienced a twist in the day and decided instead to take "a day on" from everything rather than "a day off". As though I haven't been focusing on myself as best I can, right? Still, the idea of meditating my thoughts and sense-of-self was more appealing to me than shoving out the standard everyday routine.
Do you believe we all have a destination or inevitable fate? If we stray from the blueprint of our lives will we ultimately end up at the same meeting point or may you argue that we instead map our lives and make our own choices based on emotion, thought, logic and desire? I'm torn between the two- and even then I don't quite agree that we, as a human race and beings, should be restricted to raising our hands for one or the other- black or white, stop or go, die or live.
My brother lived his life with only the restrictions that we live by. Of course he also made his own life with the ideals and style that only he could develop. He is a particular soul with particularities my family both accepts and adores. His home was spotlessly clean with every furniture piece in its place and every rug wall decor in its rightful spot. Dishes were washed immediately after cooking, counter tops were scrubbed clean, weeds were pulled as often as they obnoxiously snagged garden space, love was unconditionally dispensed and my brother's soul is stoic and present still in the choices he made for himself and for those he loves. With no map in hand, Charley navigated life with vigor I've never witnessed and tenacity that develops in the digital colors of motion pictures and made-up characters. I am envious of the life he lived not because I wanted his hard-earned fortunes but because I aspired to be a different version of him; moving through my 24 hours with delight, influence and intent. Admittedly, I wasn't. I was stuck in a rut that had been stagnant for quite some time with some intent of my own to change the life I was living but was too afraid to leave the comforts of predictability. I turned to my brother as I always do and asked him for guidance to a place of deserved happiness and fruits. A place I know exists if I derail from the norm of my then-choices and persevere without fear in my forethought and self-love in my gut.
As I began to work on this plan, my brother was simultaneously dying. I put on my big-little-sister pants and performed beyond my abilities to show him I am chasing happiness while promising that happiness exists for him as well. And I failed to hold us both up, I failed to drop all of me for him and I failed to keep him alive longer than I did. In disappointing myself I realized also that I never wanted to disappoint him in any form while we lived as brother and sister...and to his misfortune, I disappointed our souls for not shaking him of suicidal thoughts and putting my foot down. Ha, who am I to think I could rid him of such despair and sadness? I provided a love that doesn't exist beyond he and I. Charley once lovingly said to me, "We are a hopeful group" when stating how bonded of a family we are. This is true and more truer than ever.
My brother lived his life taking days on to maintain his external love for his worlds but didn't take nearly half as much time to work on love for himself. Love for life he performed naturally well as an overachiever and a smile on his face at nearly all times, but he never took days off. And if he did, it was subtle and coy and mastered with such selflessness that very few noticed. I noticed and still do.
He is my inspiration to live vicariously through myself as I desire.
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