The Stigma is Ugly. Embrace the Truth Instead.

My brother, a Firefighter Paramedic, took his life almost nine months ago on September 17, 2013.
He was a loving, vibrant 36 years-young soul who invested in everything he touched and all the lives he impacted. Loving life was his style and it showed whenever he walked into a room, chuckled through a social environment and jokingly moved about our existence with such intent and naturalness. He is loved by hundreds and respected by all.
He was not "secretly depressed" as those who speculate what happened and was not "deceiving his family" as others have discussed. He is not a coward, a pussy, weak or a disgrace to his station, his city, his profession and his brotherhood. I KNOW of the ignorant comments many firefighters have stated when they hear that he took his life...yes, he saved lives and he couldn't save himself. Try as he might, and man did he try, he was emotionally lost, had a lapse in judgment and removed himself from his life- it was the only escape for him.
I think of him all day. What a feat it was for him to wake up every morning in his last weeks and think, "(Sigh). I have to do this all over again". And though we, as "healthy" individuals may wonder why he couldn't just keep going, we don't fully understand because we're not him. We aren't in his mind. We aren't in his thoughts. The only person who can tell us what happened in those last minutes is him. And he's no longer with us, so we'll never know. What we may do is understand. Sure, we have books, websites, workshops, YouTube, grieving groups, clinical studies, but we'll still never know. I have a suggestion: be empathetic. Try compassion. Don't judge. Don't diminish, disregard or dismiss the facts. Suicidal depression and all mental conditions are to be taken very seriously.

I imagine my brother heavily tugged with the idea that as a hero himself,  how can he feel this way? I'm sure he wanted to deplete his sorrow and mental anguish...and just throw it to flames. Burn it. Char it. Disintegrate it to pieces so that he could move forward in his life. Don't you know that he tried? Therapy (his therapist assures me she noted zero signs of suicidal thoughts), self-help books, bible study, church mass, exercising, small doses of melatonin to aide with lack of sleep, and complete confidence in me to see him through. But as I've read time and time again- nothing truly works. Nothing truly takes away the pain or the depression. Victims learn to live life with depression like a bout of baggage and manage. Manage? No one should live their life in pain. I often think of the immeasurable pain my brother was in the night he surrendered to his emotional anguish and feel If he had to live another day in that level of despair-no. No he doesn't deserve it. No it's unfair. No. No. No. 

Depression is not an emotion that our first responders are encouraged to share and communicate with one another. Chances are they will be ridiculed, made fun of, mocked and be told to "snap out of it", "deal with it", "this is your job", blah blah bullshit. The stigma is ugly. The truth is beautiful. We are human. Everyone has feelings and inner thoughts. NO ONE should be blamed for having suicidal thoughts or mental struggles. The thoughts are so powerful they take over your heart, soul and body. Nothing else matters but their own pain. Just theirs. Forgive these thoughts and reach for someone with a nurturing heart and a strong hand. Seek others who may speak to their pain or yours. Know that you are not alone and others love you more than you love yourself- and they mean it. Believe yourself. Believe you are worthy. Believe that there's a chance you will make it through. Believe someone will genuinely listen. Believe that someone is willing to take over and hold you hand. Believe.