The last couple of weeks have been more than rough- deep-saddened tears and desperation in search of my brother to support me in fulfilling my role as a mother, and for my own mom not to experience the loss of her only son. I. cannot. fathom. her pain. It hurts me. My only son. I wonder how empty her own soul is and how much more she searches for Charley than I do. When she reaches for him and does everything in her power to bring him back, where is she pulling her strength from? Does she rummage through a barrel of "Only a Mother Can Feel This" in search of the very tool to lure him back into the safety of her arms? What color is her heart and how thick is her fog....
As a mother myself, I can only speak to the empty role in my daughter's life in which he is so excited to share in. When I found out I was pregnant, I drove to the fire station and walked in on Charley who was cooking dinner in the kitchen. I lightly tapped on his shoulder to get his attention as my smile grew in length and my mouth said,
Hey Charley.
He looked behind his left shoulder as he does so well and smiled his gorgeous smile.
Oh hey, Yolie. What's up?
So....you're going to be an uncle!
You guys bought a dog?!
(laughter)
No, Charley. You're going to be an uncle. I'm pregnant.
I've never seen him smile so brightly. There were no words for his happiness as he embraced me tightly. I couldn't wait to bring my child into our lives so that he could single-handedly be the force in her life she doesn't know she needs. And what a lucky girl to have him for the rest of her life.
Our relationship grew fifty-fold as he nourished my soul in preparation of the little Lopez to add to our duo. And when she was born...he was speechless. He held her little body in his arms and all I could see was the life they would lead together and the man that would help me raise her. Another woman would take my first place in his heart and I gladly relinquished that position.
We had a year and a half together with him. He once sat quiety in bed of his truck while he held her face to the warm setting sun as I looked on watering the front yard. Every few seconds I'd look over at them in complete awe and admiration- they are bonded and he's so in love. I trust this relationship and I rely on him to live for her as much as I do. He said to me," I promised Mia two free passes in her life. She is allowed to call me twice to get her out of a jam and it will stay between me and her. Whether it's a ride she needs or my support, I won't ask any questions. But she has to promise to always be honest with me and never lie. As long as she can keep this promise, we have a deal." I smiled at him and nodded in agreement. My favorite man is going to be her favorite man. Life was sweet.
The weeks leading to his passing, the three of us spent nearly everyday together at the beach, playing in his backyard, hanging out on the balcony patio while we colored together, napping together and just existing as a unit. He would kiss her tenderly and gaze into a face he could never abandon.
So when he took his life, he unintentionally abandoned us. The life I fantasized about having with him has become exactly that~ a fantasy with temporary memories and conversations.
The other parent I looked to for reinforcement, is gone. I grieve the relationship she'll never have. Nevermind the "He's always looking over her..." because she'll never know the force he and I planned for her. She'll never experience the laughter and love he reserved just for her and the soft pallet only she could have developed. She will never get to use those two free passes. And I? I feel inadequate without him and try as I might, being her Mom isn't enough. If I could bring him back just for her sake and hers alone, I would. She doesn't know it yet, but she needs him. I desperately need him. And Mother's Day communicates only one sentiment for me: I'm not a mother without my brother.
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