Lesson Number: Never

My mind and heart are made up of emotional layers which collapse on top of each other like a sandwich with one too many heavy. Navigating death provokes so many unknown factors which don't come with an end in sight nor an empathetic gesture of "this will only sting for a few seconds". Nope, it's not a toddler injection or a prick to the hip; it's excruciatingly painful and a needle that breaks your skin in search of a vein it'll never find.

Charley loves me like no other person has. And I in turn love him equally. As I grew in spirit and maturity, I also often felt guilty for allowing him to love me as much as he does; never expecting me to reciprocate my love for him. I questioned the degree of my love knowing very well that he certainly deserved more than I was providing and hoped that I could someday love him as much as he deeply loves me. It wasn't until he passed away that I realized I always loved him more than I love myself and always validated my self-worth and value according to his perspective. He consistently told me I'm beautiful, resilient, strong, driven...a phenomenal mother and his rock. These are words I trust and believe from no one else's mouth but his. It is Charley who is a constant and consistently invested in my growth and reassured me that I am valuable. In every event in my life from childhood to now, Charley has been at my side, within reach and never more than a millisecond thought away.

As I stated in my eulogy, Charley has been the man in my life...and unfortunately for everyone else in my life who loves me and wants to build a prosthetic limb for me, they will never be Charley. No one will ever fill his shoes and meet the standard that bears his name and glorifies his soul. I measure everyone's love and loyalty against his...which I know is unfair for those who genuinely want to help me, but unfortunately for all involved, I cannot accept love from anyone if it's not his. Giving into this unconditional love to two handful of people who want to embrace me, makes me feel as though I'm betraying Charley. So I stoically stay on the defense and sit on a fence that guards my heart from any further rejection or pain. I simply cannot endure anymore. Losing Charley has been the most devastating and worse event in my life that didn't just occur almost eight months ago...it occurs everyday and spans across my now-life and that of my daughter's. I'm often at war with myself- some moments I'm angry because Charley left me knowing how much I love and need him. How could I not "despair in his departure" when a bond like ours depends on the other to thrive and live? The other side of me apologizes for being angry because I completely understand how pain took over. I grant him the desperation and hold nothing against him but my own embrace. Of course he wasn't thinking of me. Of course he didn't understand the consequences. Of course he was thinking of only his pain. Of course I'd be left behind to mend him and myself. Even in his death, I'm fighting for him. Even as his soul visits mine in the middle of my dreams, I'm guarding him and holding his hand tightly.

I'm broken. And damaged. And dysfunctional. But we all are to some extent, right? This is how I justify my state of mind- by comparing my personal trials to a culture that is all kinds of fucked up. How can anyone really want to be my friend or family or confidante or partner when I come equipped with so many layers of work? So instead of letting people in, I keep them out. I'm giving them a jump ship card before I even burden them with...me.