Unconditional Love Is A Rare Commodity

Trauma very quickly identifies emotions that always existed but somehow elevates them to a level you never knew existed. Make sense? Losing a life doesn't mean you won something in place of, nor does it mean that you lost, you shrug your shoulders, and you move onto the next battle. It's a life. That you love. And will never be replaced. There's no battle, only a defeat.

Death also ignites a fury of confusion and helplessness. You choose the clothes you wear, the jobs you have, the car you drive, the relationships you have and you can't choose when someone's life ends. You can't choose what next steps are as you do in a workplace or ordinary life decisions. No, death isn't a decision...even if it's suicide. With my brother Charley, he didn't take his life, he took his pain away. I have read several, dozens of articles that are backed both by science and personal experience, that stress suicide victims don't think beyond the consequences of their action- they don't think, "If I do this, I will be dead and my family will be devastated and I will leave them with unanswered questions and trauma for the rest of their lives...". No, suicide is an act of desperation- that's a fact.

When I mull over Charley's thoughts his last hours and the grief he was enduring, I feel nothing but empathy because he was clearly in such a lost state-of-mind that he genuinely felt the only thing he was in control of (life is chaos personified) was to remove himself of his life. And you know what? Even though my opinion is insignificant to his action, I give him full permission to do what he thought was best.  His emotional decision was based solely on HIS thoughts and not mine or my parents or his career or anything else. This is the imaginary conversation I have with him in my mind:
"Yolie, I can't live this life anymore feeling guilty and worthless. I have tried everything I can to be mentally healthy and get out of this dark place. I'm suicidal and I don't know what else to do".
"Listen, It's okay to feel scared and hopeless. I love you no matter how dark you feel or how disappointed you think I will be in your thoughts. I love you unconditionally, even if that means you want to die. Let me help you try other resources. Allow me to guide you and hold your hand through this darkness. I will put you and your needs first. Trust me. I will do everything I humanly can as your sister and as your rock. If my ideas don't help you after you've given yourself 105%, then I will support you with any decision you make. Staying or dying". 

Yes, had that perfect fantasy occurred, I would have given him my blessing because it would be his decision, after all, and when he would make it I would know that he thought it through, in hopes that he would change his mind or ultimately decide that he's tried everything….and he did. My brother tried everything he thought he should do except verbally, openly ask for "help". I don't fault him- he did nothing wrong He did what he thought was right for him. Period. Forget my thoughts and my feelings-his pain and his thoughts are priority. I'd rather work through his loss than to have him here in undeniable pain and confusion. And if that helps to grasp some tiny itty bitty fraction of understanding, then it's exactly that- a tiny itty bitty fraction of what I believe, is.