Inventory of Weight

A few weeks after my brother passed, I was told that in due time I would begin an inventory of my life- friends, family, decisions- and not to feel bad about it. I could easily see how that mind-exercise would be explored later in my grief, and didn't know how to identify that time. Until now.

Considering the devastating loss I am experiencing, it's perfectly normal for me to take a step back and look at my life for what it is. Charley and I talked about my bucket list one afternoon as we were riding our bikes from Hermosa to Marina Del Rey. He asked me what is on my list to which I rattled off a good 10 ideas. He replied, "Yolie, those all seem tangible, but you're inundated with Mia". True. My daughter utilizes any of the time I have outside of work. So what do I do to make my bucket list jump off the page and grow into fruition? Re-prioritize mentally and spiritually.

I reach for the friends who are truly friends and not friends of style or convenience, extended family with whom I've always held hands and have never let go, work that I now only see as a stop-off that provides financial stability and balance, and life decisions I've been sitting on but am now getting off my ass and doing it---for my brother and the life he always wanted for me, for myself who has always wanted more substance, more structure, more light and more love, for my parents to whom I look to for unconditional support and love, for my sister who has also decided to return to school and build a career in the medical service and for my daughter Mia, for whom I would not be alive if it weren't for her. Right now, I'm in machine-mode where I'm driven by an electrified panel of voltage and power. This doesn't mean I'm not grieving nor does it mean I've accepted my brother's loss- it merely means I'm taking a detour to explore a different atmosphere one that hopefully helps me to see more clearly and more honestly.

I suppose I can say that the loss of Charley's life and his being has shown me the "realness" in my life and the people who pulled away only to attempt to return with an apology or a shrug of the shoulders- those people I don't need in my life. The situations that were dragging me down while my brother was alive, I am also shaking myself off of those energies and opening myself to new ones. I can't even tell you how many more people I know now, or the limitless possibilities that have introduced themselves to me. Sadly, so deeply devastating, that all this enlightenment has been illuminated at the expense of my brother's passing. I hate it and am also guilt-fully thankful for the legacy he has left me with. I can only hope and strive to be just like him so that when it's my time to pass, I leave everyone with not only Charley's legacy, but my own as well. Double the "BOOM!".