The Pursuit to Live A Life I've Always Wanted

One month after my brother's tragic passing, the notion of newness was planted into the broken pockets of my heart. "This is your opportunity to be anyone you want and everyone you've always wanted to be. You're in a fortunate position to start over", she whispered into my crying eyes and across my sleeping daughter's angelic face.
I had no idea what she meant when all I wanted was to lose myself in someone I never was. Maybe I could take up excessive intoxication and drink myself to death or maybe I could explore the lows of being high and binge on street drugs that would numb me medicated. Or even have meaningless sex in an effort to be close to someone without the strings of being emotionally attached. I didn't want to feel anything but feel him alive.

Yes, I could be someone I'm not. Yes, I could do anything because nothing matters anymore.
I wanted to lose myself and escape the pain and devastation of losing my only brother, except losing myself also meant losing him because he is me and I am him~ one person separated by years. When Charley passed away, I can say that I lost my life. There is no one else in my life that loves so deeply, thinks so deeply and lives at his depth as he. I always felt as though life was bearable because I had someone just like me in this life, and that alone was comforting. I could wrap my brother around my soul and spirit...the thought of him felt like I was wrapped in blanket fresh out of the dryer. It's the feeling of all is right in this world. And when he died, nothing kept me tethered to this life, not even my daughter. I wanted to lash out at something tangible, something I could punch my hand into, shake until it broke, beat until there was nothing left...and do it all over again. But life isn't a person and I had no one to hold responsible but myself. Guilt and remorse was instantaneous and occurred in the same moment that I found my defeated brother, lifeless and beyond a sadness I can never adequately explain. Charley may be gone and took his pain with him, but I'm left here to struggle and deal and manage and hate an anger in my gut that I can't shake.

I'm angry everyday. And man, am I hot and cold. I'm easily agitated, my attention span is shorter than that of a toddler's and I cannot find a happy place.

To be honest, I don't want to define happiness.We live with morsels of happiness- doses if you will. Sip by sip, sometimes large gulps. Sometimes we're gluttonous and and take in all we can only to hibernate like bears do because who's to tell when happiness will feel this good again.  So we take what we can get but no matter how much I try to find life in my life, I don't feel the same anymore because I'm not the person I was when Charley was alive and we'd laugh together at his corny jokes. I loved watching him laugh at himself- his laughter and his smile was soothing.
The weight of my brother's death is heavy and drains me of joy. Yes, it's been a year and a half and I cannot function as I'd like. Yes, he's gone and why am I living against his divine wishes for me? Yes, I agree he wouldn't want me to be in so much pain but I am. All of this is a consequence of losing a life that meant life to me, and all of me is changing because of him.