I suppose I tell myself that five months is ONLY five months because as long as I keep your vanished presence to numbers I can count on both hands, then it only means you haven't been gone long and you'll return. Yes, I refuse to believe you're gone. I do not wish, hope, or try to accept your loss. There's absolutely no grain in my being that will justify why you took your life and the level of pain and fright you were in. I will never know your pain (even if I try to imagine it), but I want you to know again and again and for always that I understand. I understand your thoughts were jumbled and cloudy. I know that your emotions flooded your logic. I feel in my heart that you were scared and wanted nothing more than to make the pain and despair just go away. And I'm sure you couldn't stand it. You tried, Charley. You fought hard and battled as long as you could possibly fight. With lack of sleep, your steps and movements became slower as did your ammunition. You're not a quitter! And you went out swinging with all the force left in your soul. And for that and who you are to your last second, I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU.
It's perfectly okay that you had suicidal thoughts. It's more than fine that you were broken and felt that you didn't want to alarm anyone so you said nothing. In fact, I applaud your strength and admire your tenacity. I must admit, I'm not surprised though. Of course you pushed. Of course you exhausted every option before ultimately exhausting yourself. I am not disappointed in you nor have I ever been. I love you love you love you love you more than words in every language and idiom can convey. When I say I carry you in my heart, I mean that I carry you in every thought I have, each emotion I feel, each decision I make, each sneeze, each exercise, every drop of sweat, in my smiles for Mia, in my hugs for Mom, Dad and Kay, in my text messages with our friends, in my future thoughts, in cleaning your home and making improvements, in touching your clothes and still, smelling your dirty clothes. You would believe that I bottled your favorite T-shirt into a jar, right? I did. Rolled up your dirty baby blue Spyder shirt into a tight ball and stuffed it into a place I can inhale every now and then. Gotta bottle that beautiful fragrance!
Charley, thank you. Thank you for loving me as profoundly and deeply as you do. Thank you for your life-long attention and drive. I want to be just like you.
Love your sis,
Yolie
I Truly feel your Pain, that is not a platitude! My Mother, when I was 11 years old committed Suicide, so, I know your Pain of Lost! I refused, to speak about my pain to anyone, and it almost cost me my life, not thou death, that would have been easy, but by putting myself in Harms way! I've had so many Near Death Experiences, that I started to doubt if God wanted my Soul! And I'm would be damned if I was going to let Lucifer have it! So, here I am still on this Earth, and feeling the same Pain you are feeling! Just different time and different place, still the same Pain! I found Inner Peace thought listing to the Holy Spirit, which I discovered (after doing heroic things by being foolish) was protecting me all along! I could not nor anyone else take my life, without God's Will and
ReplyDeleteGod's Will, will be done, here on Earth and in Heaven! God Bless you and protect you and if you accept him, you will be giving Inner Peace, I'm sure your brother would want you to have, I know my Mother would have wanted me to have Peace on Earth! Your choice, I've made mine!
Dr. Gene~Landrum, Philosopher of Quantum Theory of Everything! "Where Everything is Energy, Energy cannot be destroyed, only Transformed! Proven by Science and by God's Holy Words During my Life on Earth, I've created 3 Children who have created their children, and without me, they would not have happen, Praise the Lord, Let God Judge, you just live on Grace and Hope! I Pray, Amen
Hi Geno~ thank you for your supportive insight and fight. I'm working on peace from within, as I my brother and I like to say, even though it' an hourly struggle. I feel that I'm being protected by worrisome thoughts and find comfort living for my brother, too.
DeleteDear Yolie, I lost my beautiful daughter Mei li on August 8th 2013 she was 26 and I to keep posting her picture on f.b.. I didn't realise why I felt the need to untill I read your blog. I remember everything she said to me the last time I saw her, her words go round and round my head. I see her face superimposed over everything I look at. I wonder if she suffered or if she passed quickly. I know she she just wanted the hurt to stop and that she would not have wanted me to feel this pain. But I needed her and I miss her and I can't stop crying! I want to hold her like I did when she was a little girl. When mummy could kiss away the hurt. But she was grown and lived in the city and I wasn't there to comfort her. She took her life early evening and was found quite quickly. It is so hard to listen on the phone as they try to resuscitate your baby when you are 250 miles away. And then hear when they stop! I couldn't take a breathe and the pain punches you. It still does! I hope one day I understand , but not yet! Thank you Yolie for sharing your love of Charley and for helping me to express my feelings. My thoughts are with you <3 x
ReplyDeleteContinue honoring your lovely daughter's memory with the love and faith you have for her and for yourself. You heal and mourn the way that feels most natural and comfortable for you. I cannot imagine the immense pain you are in and the memory you keep playing in your mind the evening she passed-and of course Mei li would NEVER want to cause you any pain, EVER. Take your precious time in understanding. It may take our whole lives to understand completely..and still, we may never get closure. Just love her as you do~ she feels it, I'm sure of it. Hugs, my dear friend.
DeleteI forgot to say my name is Helene x
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