I washed your truck today and made it shine so brightly that the evidence of your passing 60 days ago looked like a glint in the rear view mirror. As I cleaned the dirt and gunk that accumulated and clouded your sight, I thought deeply about how self-sufficient you are. How every time I need something for the house or for myself, you have it. My organization and cleanly skills pale in comparison to your pro-activeness and ever-ready traits. I feel like a fool in my own shadow and I'm completely fine with it because I have you as my inspiration. You. Always have but now that I'm throwing myself into you, I see the bar has been raised. After washing your truck, I drove it to the cemetery to visit you. Seems silly because you're always with me, but I wanted to take your truck to you to say, "See, it's clean!! And I used all your tools and gadgets and didn't spend a penny!" (beaming with pride). It was very early in the morning and I was the only visitor in the entire lot. So I did what I've been wanting to do and screamed as loudly as I could. I heard the pain echo against the mausoleum walls and cross the wet, dewy grass and bounce back into my lap. It felt so good to scream again. To scream as loudly as I did when I found you.
Friends and family got together today in your memory~ celebrated you and all that you are to each of us. Stories were exchanged along with sorrows and the very present feeling of lingering shock. I'm still in shock. I still wait for you everyday and hope you'll come home in your physical form even though I know you're not alive....I still wait. I clean your house everyday in the very same manner you might. I buy the foods you eat and cook the meals you enjoy--all very sensible and healthy. I warn Mia against touching "Nino's things" and how you wouldn't like her to play with them. The other day I opened up the pantry and threw out all the snackages you would disprove of when you came home. In the trash they went. I live my life sometimes as though I'm you. Decisions are made based on what you might want because I know you so damn well. Your thoughts are my thoughts and I have to be careful not to get lost in you. But it makes me feel closer to you. It's the only way I know how to feel you--when I'm in pain and sad--which is everyday. I don't have "good days", I have "ok days" or "really bad days". Extremes. People have encouraged me to accept your loss and live my life but it's too early. You once told me, "there is no timeline for grief" on a day when I apologized for seemingly judging you and encouraging YOU to move forward and not backwards. Funny how a lot of the advice we exchanged to one another has surfaced and I'm eating my own words. Even then, I can't move on yet. It's too fresh and a lot of people don't understand me...and I will accept that you're gone when I feel it's time. Right now I'm simply doing what I feel is right in my heart and not in my mind. You and I are so much alike. I love it.
Love your sis,
Yolie
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