If what you are experiencing, involved in, receiving doesn't make you happy, then why would more of it make you happy? This is the bain of my emotional existence as I explore a life without my brother.
I kid you not, very often I am lost in my own thoughts people watching or just watching my world as it moves about me and I think
Wow, this is life without Charley, which looks and feels quite the opposite of when he was alive and chucking cheesy jokes at me. I continuously wonder how my pain is going to end and when I'll hit a valley that is green in experience and blue with peace. A place I am meant to be with the people for me and the life with me. Partnership- it's what I seek in every relationship I have. Reciprocation-it's what I blindly have faith in. Respect- it's an expectation with a high standard. Sincere love- it's an
Aha! sentiment that never ceases to surprise me.
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| New Orleans Cemetery, April 2015 |
My now-standards are flight-high and rigorous~ though I find myself making the same conscious mistakes in hopes that this life will stick and I don't have to go any further to find my brother in all the days without him. I believe that we are meant to meet the people we have and are meant to come across very specific people who will supply us with guidance for our next deep breath. We exchange notions, support, mistakes and learnings to take with us as we motion through, mud-deep in life and in love. I suppose my hope (and I use this word loosely because it's yet to solidify much for me) guides me like a blind person with a walking stick...looking for safety and keeping me from severe danger. So, I believe that moments that feel good to me is a last stop. As I interact with someone I keep my eyes alert in search of my brother's nod in approval or throwing me a sign that
Yes, Yolie, this is good or
No, Yolie, keep moving. I'm looking for inspiration to stay. Work, love, family, my refection, my life, or just one more day. While it isn't my brother's word whose I should live by, I do know what his word and voice sound like, so I listen nonetheless. Mostly, I hear myself berating myself time and time again. I'm not very kind to myself, I admit, and have a difficult time convincing myself that I'm a good person who deserves good thoughts. Yes, I should be careful with my words when I'm alone and my words with other people, and I try, but I fail most times. Suppose this is part of my process-I don't accept because if my brother didn't receive as I have (and am) and wasn't blanketed as I am, why should I. Instead, I filter what feels right and what sounds sincere in true belief that they'll come together in unity and provide me with just one moment of quiet solace.
